Laurel's Cancer Journey

  Skylawn Memorial Park, Pacific Ocean in background  My desire to write and my physical ability to do so are both lowering. Please know, though, that details for my memorial service, for in-person and Zoom, will be posted here when it's time. Every morning when I wake up I have the same three thoughts:  1) Hey, I had a pretty good night's sleep.  2) Oh, that’s right, I’m dying. And way too slowly.  3) I wonder how much it’s gonna hurt today. One of these days, I will have the luxury of it being the last time I have these thoughts. Every day I want it to be the last time I ever think them. When my hospice person sub came last week, we talked about pain levels, and trying to avoid chasing the pain, etc. My husband has been an excellent champion on my behalf in this regard. I told the sub I just really wanted to die and have this all behind me. Then he brought up the End of Life Option Act which I hadn't heard of. In California it allows certain adults with terminal illnesses

For the past 7 months I've been so focused on, first of all, keeping myself alive and overcoming the bad cells. Then worrying about the whole process of dying. Then keeping myself comfortable against the pain. Planning my memorial service and helping with decisions on final arrangements, etc. Then thinking about the moment I cross over and see my parents and sister and other loved ones who have gone before as they welcome and guide me. (Perhaps I will see and communicate with them before I cross over. Awesome!) But my thoughts hadn't quite gotten to what I think comes after that. That would hopefully be meeting the Savior himself. What will that be like? Will I recognize him? What will we say to each other? What will we do? I think I will recognize him. In fact, I think all of us will be surprised when we get back to the other side and see His face and realize how familiar He is. Since we all knew Him before we came to Earth, it only makes sense that when we get back again to

We're taking advantage of three programs.  SDI - We've been receiving State Disability Insurance payments twice monthly. This covers our rent and a little more--nice. "Employees who can't work because of a temporary non-work-related illness or injury can apply for short-term disability insurance through CASDI." SSDI - Yesterday we finished applying for Social Security Disability insurance. This is where Social Security provides monthly payments to people who have a disability that stops or limits their ability to work. It pays more than regular social security and you don't have to be of SS age. You have to be over 18 and "have a condition and expect it to affect your ability to work for a year or more or will result in death." Michael opened the application on his laptop and cast it to the TV so we could both see it from bed and answer the many questions. The payments will be retroactive to when this first affected my ability to work (March?) so tha

This has been a very doable week for me. From Sunday afternoon until today, Friday, pain levels have been very cooperative. I'm EXTREMELY grateful for this and make my gratitude known through prayer often. Besides all of your prayers on my behalf which I SO appreciate, it must also be the higher dosage of one of my meds helping. It makes me drowsier but that doesn't bother me. Besides, the drowsiness has been a nice benefit at night time--I've been sleeping better! Most nights this week I've gone to sleep around midnight and woken up to my 7:00am pill alarm. I love when that happens. I continue to do my PT in the evenings at my bedside. My PT is mostly for leg strength and balance. Yesterday my legs felt a little weak for the first time as I walked with my walker from the bedroom to the bathroom, which worried me. Today I started adding a few more gentle squats at my bedside when I get the chance. I want to keep my legs strong so I can continue to move myself around the

We are starting to plan my memorial service. My good friend Stacey has agreed to share stories contributed by friends. Memories from family members will be shared by my sister Susan or Patty. Do you have an anecdote, observation, or any thoughts you'd like to share? It can be funny or serious or anything at all. Christine Moore Packer, I think you should definitely share the story of my mom sending you and me to the mall to buy a bra, but I came home with a basketball instead. Haha! Friends: please send memories to Stacey James - sjames_rwc@yahoo.com Redd Family members:  please send memories to  both of these email addresses Patty Rooks - pattykennington@gmail.com Susan Davis - sdavis2488@msn.com Also, it might be nice to note how we know each other, e.g. elementary school friend, church friend, work friend, cousin, etc. to be included in the reading. There is no obligation, of course! I am just happy you're here following the blog.

Yesterday we started looking at the clothing I will be wearing for my burial. Did I just say that out loud to my phone? I'm saying a lot of weird things out loud lately. What we should be saying out loud is talking about packing lists and preparing for fun trips we want to go on. In our church, those who have been through the temple, or "received their endowments," wear their white temple clothing when they're buried. I haven't worn the white temple dress my mother made for me many years ago in several years because it hasn't fit. (You can rent dresses at the temple.) Since I've lost 25-30 pounds in the last 6 months since my diagnosis I fit my dress better. But actually, it doesn't really have to fit at all. I remember my mother saying that when you dress a deceased body, you can just cut the back of the dress open and lay the front of the dress over the person. So, all that really needs to fit are the sleeves. We tried a sleeve on my arm that doesn

Monday was super weird. At a couple of points I thought maybe it was THE day. You know, like maybe my "graduation" day from this life. And I would have been mostly okay with it.  It had to do with the cannabis product I tried for pain. I had taken a HALF of a gummy a couple of days earlier for pain. It didn't have any side effects, but it didn't make much of a dent in the pain. So, today I tried a FULL gummy. It was 10 mg of THC and 10 mg of CBG. Apparently it was a mistake to double the THC from 5 to 10 mg. Eek. What I've been told is that the THC is the psychoactive component, but you do want a little bit of it in there to augment the effect of the other components that you're using for pain or anxiety or whatever. The people who want to actually get high take THC in doses many times higher than 10 mg I ingested. Breanne was over, babysitting me while Michael was out to lunch with a friend. About 30-45 minutes after I chewed up the gummy I started feeling re