I Wonder How Much it’s Gonna Hurt Today / Our Niche
My desire to write and my physical ability to do so are both lowering. Please know, though, that details for my memorial service, for in-person and Zoom, will be posted here when it's time.
Every morning when I wake up I have the same three thoughts:
1) Hey, I had a pretty good night's sleep.
2) Oh, that’s right, I’m dying. And way too slowly.
3) I wonder how much it’s gonna hurt today.
One of these days, I will have the luxury of it being the last time I have these thoughts. Every day I want it to be the last time I ever think them.
When my hospice person sub came last week, we talked about pain levels, and trying to avoid chasing the pain, etc. My husband has been an excellent champion on my behalf in this regard. I told the sub I just really wanted to die and have this all behind me. Then he brought up the End of Life Option Act which I hadn't heard of. In California it allows certain adults with terminal illnesses to request aid-in-dying medication from their doctor. ELOA is also known as "death with dignity." The person must be at least 18 years old, have a terminal illness with a life expectancy of six months or less, be able to make medical decisions and be able to self administer the medication.
This was interesting, but of course it immediately brought up ethical questions. Would it be considered suicide? I was there when we “unplugged" my dad in the ICU because he was not “coming back.” Is it the same as that? Could I view it as something Heavenly Father put in my path at this time for my use? Am I allowed to choose the timing of my passing? I would be required to administer it to myself--would I be able to actually put it to my lips and say goodbye to my family? It would do its job in about 20 minutes. The approval process would require 2-4 doctors over three weeks so I would have to plan ahead. Serious thoughts here that are making me too teary. Putting that aside for now--letting it simmer.
Meanwhile, we've made a decision and purchased cremation niches at Skylawn Memorial Park. A niche is a small compartment for an urn, as opposed to a plot in the ground. We chose cremation because it's cheaper. We didn’t need a beautiful location for a cemetery, but Skylawn is beautiful. It's in San Mateo, CA on a ridge between the Pacific Ocean and the San Francisco Bay. We drive by it every time we go to the beach. We've seen many ward members buried there, including my in-laws, Carol and Mike Feddock.
So, when the moment arrives, my husband and daughter and family friend, Mary, (depending on who's available) will dress me in my white temple clothes, then call hospice who will take care of everything from there. They'll call the cremation place and cemetery to have me transported, and the process started. We've asked a family friend who loves working with wood, and is masterful at it, to build us a simple and beautiful wooden box to be interred in. The second person will be added to the same box later. I like that thought.
Saturday morning - I woke up in pain crying that I just didn't know if I could do this anymore and didn't know what to do. Michael offered a beautiful prayer that was almost like a blessing and it helped. The morning meds also began to take affect, which helped too. Afternoon was good.
Sunday morning - was VERY painful. A spike like I haven't had since July. I asked Michael for a priesthood blessing. I could feel myself start to relax during the blessing. With that and a new med for breakthrough pain from my Comfort Care Kit (Lorazapam) I was able to feel surprisingly better for the rest of the day. It was miraculous.
Monday - I used more ice than usual. So thankful for ice. Had a very painful moment getting from the recliner to bed. My two favorite Michaels helped sooth me after that, but it takes me a long time to come back from these.
What's been helping me the last several days is watching past general conferences on YouTube. I'm looking forward to our next semi-annual general conference coming up in two Sundays. I'd sure love to "go" before or shortly after this next general conference. PLEASE. I hope somebody's listening. Is this thing on?
**UPDATE**
Here's my answer, a clear "no."
https://newsroom.churchofjesuschrist.org/official-statement/euthanasia-and-prolonging-life
We chose an indoor niche in this bank under the fern. It can be cold and windy outside for visitors. We've been to enough graveside services to know.
Several years ago when my college friend had had enough of her cancer and the treatments no longer did anything useful she chose to stop eating and drinking. I can't imagine the circumstances in which to make that choice, but I hear you and am listening to you. I'm so sorry you are in this situation, but I know we'll pick things right back up on the other side where there is no more pain, sorrow or tears.
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks for you when I read about your pain levels, and all the while you feel like you're twisting in the wind of anxious waiting. The church's position is very clear, but I hope they allow you to take as much pain medication as you want, even if it's a little risky.
ReplyDeleteAt least while you're here, I'm glad your family still gets to be with you, and I'm sure every minute you spend with them is a blessing for you too. And as for me, I am glad you are still with us. Just following your story in this blog makes me feel connected to you, in friendship, solidarity, and prayer. Also, thank you for letting us send in our memories and stories early. It gave me a chance to review in my head all the years we've been friends. It was a sad but rewarding experience.
I hope today, and each one of these glorious autumn days you are still with us, reach out to you with all of the divine gifts we receive from the natural world.