Laurel's Cancer Journey

It's Michael. The good news is the new medication is keeping her pain-free. The cost, again, is her grogginess and not being herself. It's like she's a generic, tired, nice person. Kind, caring, polite. But the spark that made this generic person Laurel is often not there. I had written some details about her decline but I just can't bring myself to share them. That would have been her privilege. It must suffice to say that living is getting hard for her. I hope the Lord will gather her home before she is just lying in a bed, unable to interact and is just waiting. Lots of intense feelings and emotions. I imagine only those who have been here, or somewhere similar, can fully appreciate this experience. Trying to put it into words reduces its sacredness. At least for me. Thank you for everything you are all doing for her and for us.

It's Michael. Well, she said she didn't want to go on Halloween so we'll see what happens. Hospital bed is working out well. I can sleep right next to her on the sofa and have easy and quick access if she needs anything. She is very drowsy and sleeps or at least deeply rests most of the day. But the good news is that today was essentially pain-free. So glad. We start a new med tomorrow since the one we've been using is in short supply. Fingers crossed that the new one will be equally, or even more effective.

It's Michael. Hospital bed arrived today. Laurel is using it for the first time tonight. I miss having her next to me.

It's Michael. Laurel is having a really hard time expressing her thoughts. I wish we could share more.

It's Michael. All I could get out of Laurel was the title above. She's just exhausted/groggy most of the time. Thinking is hard, processing is hard, remembering multi-step tasks is hard. She has mentioned how time has changed for her. I went to the other room to get something and was gone about ten seconds. When I came back to our bedroom, she was surprised to see me, and thought 15 minutes had passed. There is so much happening. And so little. There is a lot to write but she wants this to be short. I'll just say it's an unusual and tender time.

It's Michael. Laurel had a pretty pain-free day yesterday. The trade-off is the extreme drowsiness that accompanies the relief. We discussed this trade-off early on and as much as she wants to be present, she wants pain relief more. And that's what she will have. I wish she was 'here' to share more details with you. She's too groggy to even approve this message. I don't want to post without her okay so this short note will have to suffice for the foreseeable future, unless she has more lucid moments.

It's Michael. Laurel asks "Have you heard of a blessing of release?" And, "What do you know about them?" Also: "My pain level is good today but it seems to show in my mental processing. I'm very, very slow." (I can confirm this. It's pitiful) It took us at least five minutes to get this written. I had to repeat it over and over as she tried to comprehend it. She wanted it to sound like she was talking to a group. She kept drifting away but I assured her it sounded good. It's hard to decide how much to share. Suffice it to say this is very difficult. I feel like I'm watching someone very important to me, and to the world, fade before my eyes tiny step by tiny step. It's heart-wrenching. Again, thank you for all comments. Every word feels written by angels. Reminder that we are really enjoying your thoughts but will not be responding.

It's Michael. We may just about have the pain medication right. Hospice was here yesterday and we've upped a couple meds. Laurel is doing great today, pain-wise, but the trade off is extreme drowsiness. She has tried many times to do the update for today but keeps dozing off. She continues to sleep through the night. Talk about a blessing. When I think about the alternative, dealing with her painful symptoms 24 hours a day rather than just during waking hours, my gratitude is renewed. Truly the Lord is not testing her beyond her ability to endure. It may be close...! but she's persevering. I couldn't be more proud of her or more grateful for all of you. She enjoys hearing your words. I know it's not easy for some of you to post, so a special thank you goes out to you. More tomorrow.

It's Michael. We've had a couple bad pain days. Came very close to breaking out the Morphine yesterday evening.  Laurel remains very brave. She is getting significantly weaker but talks about taking very short walks to the front room to keep up her strength.  Hospice is very supportive. We feel like Laurel is their only patient. We have direct access to nurses, doctors and the pharmacy.  We'll see what tomorrow brings. Please pray for comfort. And thank you to all of you who are already doing that. You are all wonderful.

A.B.C.D. = Another Beautiful California Day. In the past I'd be happy about that.

  Still here. It's become common for Laurel to take her 7am and 730am meds then drift back to sleep. Miraculously she has no pain when asleep. Hospice has increased their visits to three per week and we expect them today. They check the lesions on her right breast and underarm areas (you don't want to see pictures of this), monitor her swollen right arm and hand (Laurel accurately described the appearance as that of Captain Kirk's hands in the 2009 Star Trek movie), take her vitals and count her meds for refills. Generally, her pain is mostly well-controlled. Sometimes there are a couple tough hours in the early morning and evening but she settles down in time for bed and sleeps through the night uninterrupted. What a blessing. It's about noon and she's been asleep all morning. It's so great to see her relaxed. I am reading your responses to Laurel as she's capable of listening but please don't expect any responses for now. I can't tell you how much ...

Still here. I guess I'll be writing this everyday now.    

  To Laurel's people, this is her husband, Michael. We want to give you a brief update. Each day is so full, it would be hard to give all the details. I will sum it up by saying she spends a lot of each day in pain. Just today we are finally having some success with the newest medication. There is a tradeoff, though. Less pain also means less mental awareness and much more drowsiness. It is a huge blessing that she sleeps through the night. She remains determined to keep moving. As of about a week ago, She can no longer get into bed by herself. But she can get out, and with my support and her walker, can walk to the bathroom or the front room to sit in the recliner. There is no more walking without assistance. Hospice wants us to get a hospital bed, but Laurel does not want that yet. For me, it would be a huge step, signaling she is done moving forever. I won't like that moment, and hope it doesn't come to that. She gathered the kids yesterday and shared a few loving though...

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/feature/general-conference?lang=eng I know it's been a while, folks. I'm still here, on the top side of the grass, slowly composing my next FB post--it usually takes me a few days. And these past few days have been a little rough--working with hospice trying to stay comfy. More on that later. In the meantime, I'm really looking forward to the five sessions of general conference this weekend. Please join me. Come with a life question you've been wondering about. I know there will be a talk or some sort of nugget that is meant just for me. There's at least one for you, too. Or maybe our answers will be found in the wonderfully inspiring music. There is something you're wondering in your heart, and I believe you can find your answer at October 2024 General Conference.  SCHEDULE Mountain Time: Sat 10:00am-12:00pm Sat 2:00pm-4:00pm Sat 6:00pm-8:00pm Sun 10:00am-12:00pm Sun 2:00pm-4:00pm You can find the broadcasts on YouTube, BYU T...