Our Latest Binge, Pain Relief, Long Slow Goodbye?

 

Thanks for all the suggestions about something new to binge-watch. When Michael and I are watching together we watch The Rookie, starring Nathan Fillion who we loved in Castle and Firefly. In fact, most of the stars from Castle have been guest stars on The Rookie--fun. But sometimes it can be intense as police shows are, and I'm a little extra delicate these days, so we only watch The Rookie during daylight hours. After dark we watch Gilmore Girls. We've also watched a few episodes of Murdoch Mysteries and Extraordinary Attorney Woo. Watching a lot of Burn Notice, too. We watched the whole BN series during the pandemic. Forgot how much we liked it! Does it sound like all I do is watch TV? That IS all I do. I'm not a very productive citizen right now but that's life at the moment.

Friday I surprised myself as I became teary putting my monitor, keyboard and mouse away from kitchen table where I spent many hours on my laptop. I sat there every day for a year and a half during the pandemic as I did my graphic design job for the local office of the Boy Scouts of America, and as I created and maintained websites for a couple of companies. I sat at my my computer as I made flyers for Relief Society activities,  created customized Martinelli's labels for special occasions, and gift certificates for birthdays. I sat there as I Zoomed with a voice over coach and then edited audio files during my voice over side hustle period during the pandemic. I sat there over the last two years as I worked my new job after a 180-degree career change at age 60. I finally had to quit that job last month. I guess you could say I'm retired now, but I thought retirement would come later. And I thought it would look much different. 

My 5 mcg 7-day pain reliever patch wasn't quite enough, so at the seven day mark which was last Wednesday night I started with the 7.5 mcg patch. By Sunday the upgrade hadn't helped much. It still needs a lot of supplementation with CBD cream, lidocaine patches, Willow Balm patches, and ice. Last night my pain escalated to the point that my usual remedies weren't enough and I finally broke out my bottle of opioids to be used as needed for breakthrough pain.  After 2 hours, 9:30pm, I was still writhing. (I know, it was pitiful.) We called the after hours number for palliative care and they advised me to take a second pill. They also sent a prescription to a 24-hour pharmacy for Michael to pick up some Narcan. If you watch as many police shows as we do you'll know that this is for the purpose of reversing an  overdose. Eek. Slightly alarming. When he came home the three of us learned how to do it--it's simple. Didn't need it. 

I spoke to the palliative pharmacist today and she is going to up my 7-day patch dose to 10 mcg. She also told me to not wait so long before taking the as-needed stronger pill. I am happy to comply with that. 

Today we went to see my primary doctor so she could assess me for  home health care service. I would like someone to come to my home and help me figure out some exercises so I won't continue getting weaker. I'm afraid of doing any arm work, though, figuring it will probably engage some back muscles, but I know they'll help me figure something out. Still doing some stairs daily. I did NOT love going out today. I was so happy to get back to the safety of my bed. What a relief.

Tonight I felt my breast lump and under arm lumps, and man, they are getting so big. I try not to feel them too often because they are a real downer and an emotional trigger for me. Just letting my arm hang down normally, though, I can feel the bulk under my arm. Oy.

Michael recently asked me if this is just a long slow goodbye. Unless a miracle happens, yes, it is. But if you think about it, everyone is having a long slow good bye with each other, they just don't realize it. And that's a good thing because it's a little hard to swallow when you look at it like that. Even though our long slow goodbye seems to have a clearer timer on it, it does have it's benefits. It has allowed us to have some very honest, open, and sweet conversations we wouldn't have been able to have if one of us were to go suddenly. Of course I believe a miracle could still happen, and maybe it is already happening inside my body and I just haven't been able to see it from the outside yet. But every day that passes without a miracle, is another day closer to the goodbye. It is very saddening to feel this could be coming. What saves us both is looking a little further ahead to what will happen after this life. I'm positive when we make it to the other side and we are all together again with each other and with God, our Earthly trials will seem so distant, so small, and so far back in the rear view mirror, they will seem like nothing. We'll all probably even wonder why we made such a big deal of going through our trials. But in the here and now, when each of us is in the thick of a trial, it's hard. Really hard.