Laurel's Cancer Journey

Since stopping my supplements, lemon-garlic drink and Essiac tea a few weeks ago, it seems things are speeding up. My whole breast-shoulder quadrant seems to be filling with cancer faster. It's getting bigger and more sensitive, and small bumps. There's more pain which is harder to keep up with with drugs. We're trying. As of yesterday I'm doubling my Gabapentin (for nerve pain). Hoping it will help soon, hasn't yet. Just getting up to use the bathroom leads to moaning after a couple of minutes of being upright.  Lying in bed or being in the recliner is the least painful, but still painful. Michael brings me ice often which helps a lot, temporarily. Lying on my back is the only position I can sustain, so I'm on my back all day and all night. I get sweaty not being able to turn to different positions so I keep a fan going 24/7, and keep changing small, folded towels on my pillow. Assuming I'm on my way out of this life, we are trying to get things in order as...

I tried the full gummy the last two nights and had a great night's sleep both times--yay. 6.5 hours. I'll try it again tonight with two changes, trying 1.5 gummies and skipping my usual 60 mg of melatonin to see what happens. I actually haven't been taking the melatonin for sleep, it's a leftover from the high dosage Fenbendazol protocol I was following a while back. It was supposed to aid in the killing of bad cells. Today was a really good day: very low pain levels and no crying. It's been a lovely change after three days of crying and higher pain levels. (The evening turned out to be rough pain wise, which causes tears. Adding a lidocaine patch on my shoulder blade for the night, and I can take an extra pain pill if I want. So, I have options.) Yesterday the psychiatric department at Kaiser called me and I have my first video call with someone next Tuesday. On the intake phone call they asked me interesting questions about self harm, alcohol use (I don’t drink), ...

Tuesday - I tried a new CBD sleep product last night, but it didn't make a difference. But I only tried half of a gummy. Slept from 12:00-4:00am, Then 5:30-7:00am. Went to see the surgeon today to check on the lumpy bumps. He says the color has changed. It's a little darker, more purpley than our last visit three weeks ago. I asked him what I should do if the lumps decide to break the skin. He said to make an appointment and they would take care of it in the wound care department. Meaning ointment and gauze. I guess it would then be an open wound until . . . I die? I prefer that the lumps just stay inside and behave until . . . whenever. In other news, on our way home I noticed where the aura of my bed extends to in our town here. On our way home I could feel the aura of the safety of my bed at the intersection of Holly Street and Industrial Rd. Now I know the radius of my beloved bed's aura reaches about a quarter mile. ;) I spoke with my palliative doctor this afternoon....

As I've been feeling better the last little while, I find myself surprised at what an emotional wreck I have become this afternoon and evening. I don't know what to do except just let the sobbing run its course. The waves keep hitting as do the shaking shoulders and the piles of used Kleenexes. I didn't follow up with my doctor about mood medication or seeing a mental health professional since I was feeling better. I think having been feeling better has spoiled me a little, so when things start getting uncomfortable again it affects me more. I feel like the whole lumpy bump and shoulder blade area quadrant is filling up with bad cells and pressing on nerves. The whole area looks a little bigger/fuller, and maybe angrier. Today is day two of adding a third dose of nerve medication (Gabapentin) to my day. I expected to feel better, not worse. It's supposed to take a couple of days to reach its maximum effectiveness, so I will keep hoping for improvement tomorrow or the n...

Wonder Daughter helped me thin out a couple of dresser drawers yesterday. When my pain levels are higher, I feel like death is closer and that makes it easier to toss stuff out. But since I've been a little comfier lately, it makes it harder to be ruthless since I feel less sure about which direction I'm going and how soon I might get there. Weird place, but kind of my norm. Besides some of my clothes, including too many pairs of shorts, one of the items we'll keep is my baby quilt. My mother made it for me and it features a laurel wreath.  As far as eating while lying down goes, I usually cover myself with a place mat. But somehow I still find a way to spill food on my PJs. My brilliant son suggested that I have a pair of pajamas made out of place mats. Hahaha! I have figured out how to eat sitting up, with the help of pickle pillows behind my back for support. I eat pretty quickly, even left-handed, so I'm not sitting up for long. My sleep hours continue to be on the ...

All-positive read: Yesterday, Monday, was acupuncture appointment #4. It didn't require a lidocaine patch on whatever was bothering me that day as I sometimes do to help prophylactically with outings. (My current hotspots are my aching right shoulder blade and my original lumpy bumps that look very purpley-red and feel stingy or sharp lately.) Nor did I need to muster as much courage as usual to get out the door. Hooray. After the appointment I still actually had a little leftover bandwidth for us to drive to another Kaiser location to pick up a couple of prescription refills. It was strange and a little exciting that I wasn't crying about getting back to the safety of my bed as fast as possible. I announced to Michael while we were on the freeway that we were actually running an errand together (even though I waited in the car). We loved the thought. When leaving my acupuncture appointment, the gal who made my next appointment paid me a compliment on my flawless complexion, li...

Wonder Daughter shaved my legs today. I have no idea how many weeks it's been. There is a spa-like trickling water video playing in the background for atmosphere. Thank you for this kind act of love, Breanne! Also, last night turned out to be the best night's sleep in a while. Plus morning snoozing after pill time and comfy pain levels most of the day. Score!

After a pretty good week last week, pain wise, the last three days have been slightly rougher. Really more emotional than anything. But the emotions and discomfort affect each other. I don't know if it was the acupuncture or a slight change in meds that helped me feel better last week. I speak to my palliative pharmacist about weekly--she is wonderful. This week we decided to go up another small step on one of my meds. I started that this morning. It'll take a couple of days to reach full effectiveness. I have been so doggone emotional the last few days. I thought maybe this crisis had already reached its peak in toying with my emotional chemistry, but apparently not. I've finally started considering looking into the options Kaiser has offered of either talking to a mental health professional, or taking some sort of medication to even me out a little bit. There's always room for another pill in my life, right? It would be lovely to get back to being a person who can s...

Had an unbelievably great night last night! I think I woke up once for a few seconds between midnight and 6:00am then went right back to sleep. Next thing I knew it was getting light out and I was thrilled. I took my early morning pills then comfortably went back to sleep for a few more hours. What the heck?! Analyzing yesterday hoping to duplicate a good night's sleep: Did some PT which felt good. I've added squeezing a squishy ball as a part of my PT for my hands. I feel like my hands are getting a little weak and sometimes shaky if I'm trying to do something fine. I haven't been doing a lot of normal things that use regular hand muscles, like grasping a knife to chop an onion, or washing my hair, grasping the steering wheel to drive the car, grocery shopping, or folding laundry, etc. Thus, squishy ball. Went for my first short walk in at least a week. Having not walked much the last over the last week could be contributing to not sleeping very well at night, but I h...