Getting Worse Quicker it Seems, Wouldn't Mind Going Soon
Since stopping my supplements, lemon-garlic drink and Essiac tea a few weeks ago, it seems things are speeding up. My whole breast-shoulder quadrant seems to be filling with cancer faster. It's getting bigger and more sensitive, and small bumps. There's more pain which is harder to keep up with with drugs. We're trying. As of yesterday I'm doubling my Gabapentin (for nerve pain). Hoping it will help soon, hasn't yet. Just getting up to use the bathroom leads to moaning after a couple of minutes of being upright.
Lying in bed or being in the recliner is the least painful, but still painful. Michael brings me ice often which helps a lot, temporarily. Lying on my back is the only position I can sustain, so I'm on my back all day and all night. I get sweaty not being able to turn to different positions so I keep a fan going 24/7, and keep changing small, folded towels on my pillow.
Assuming I'm on my way out of this life, we are trying to get things in order as much as possible ahead of time to make things easier for Michael. I would want the same thing. When the time comes, planning a funeral and making arrangements is the last thing he wants to do. I totally understand. Who wants to plan and execute an event when you just need to be still and grieve?
We're comparing pricing between two local cemeteries. We're going with cremation (which the Church is totally fine with, if you're wondering). We're talking through service details: possible speakers, music, food, etc. Wish I would have done more earlier when feeling better.
Sleep is okay. I just don't like waking up too long before it's time to start my daily pain meds.
Tuesday's "therapy" session turned out to be more intake questions. Therapy starts next week.
What I'm thankful for:
-Ice
-Sleep
-TV
-My left hand/arm can still do things
So ready for this to be over.
I would be happy and relieved to fall asleep and wake up on the other side. Hopefully the welcoming committee is whipping up a big batch of Scotcheroos, a Redd Family favorite, for that reunion party which will consist of at least my parents and sister Karen. Do I want to leave everyone and everything behind? No. I love my life, especially my people. But I know we all take our turn to go, and I can see sooner would be better for me.
So sad to hear that you're having such a hard time keeping up with your pain level. I'm glad you have your meeting with your family and your Heavenly Father to look forward to after such a challenging ordeal.
ReplyDeleteThat's so good that you're able to plan your own memorial, but the timing of it can be anything the surviving family wants. We waited several months after my mom passed to do her memorial because our dad had just died a few months before and it was just way too much. I'll be praying for all those details as we all wonder about how cancer progresses. I do have a cancer survivor friend who just lost her husband to cancer and she says there is a point in the patient's life where she's praying "please, God, take them soon". I've always thought that pain management was the key, as your posts substantiate. There must be better drugs, but perhaps not if you want to stay lucid as long as possible. Dad never did use the morphine that hospice supplied. We found it in the back corner of his closet and had to figure out how to dispose of it after the fact. A friend said we could have made a good amount of money on the street if we had considered that! :-) I so wish there was a way to have a drip or infusion of all those supplements to keep going without having to do all the swallowing and digesting. I know that myself. As in all things, you seem to be taking this part of your life as it comes and enjoying all of the little comforts available amidst the plethora of discomforts. I'm sure you know how much Jesus loves you, but He did not just make a way, but He said He IS the way (truth and life, too!), so keep listening for His voice to follow. As I just read in a book about famous missionary Elizabeth Elliot as her 2nd husband was facing cancer, "The Good Shepherd knows the way through the wilderness, too." XXOO
ReplyDeleteThat above is from me, Janet. :-)
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