Laurel's Cancer Journey

  To Laurel's people, this is her husband, Michael. We want to give you a brief update. Each day is so full, it would be hard to give all the details. I will sum it up by saying she spends a lot of each day in pain. Just today we are finally having some success with the newest medication. There is a tradeoff, though. Less pain also means less mental awareness and much more drowsiness. It is a huge blessing that she sleeps through the night. She remains determined to keep moving. As of about a week ago, She can no longer get into bed by herself. But she can get out, and with my support and her walker, can walk to the bathroom or the front room to sit in the recliner. There is no more walking without assistance. Hospice wants us to get a hospital bed, but Laurel does not want that yet. For me, it would be a huge step, signaling she is done moving forever. I won't like that moment, and hope it doesn't come to that. She gathered the kids yesterday and shared a few loving though

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/feature/general-conference?lang=eng I know it's been a while, folks. I'm still here, on the top side of the grass, slowly composing my next FB post--it usually takes me a few days. And these past few days have been a little rough--working with hospice trying to stay comfy. More on that later. In the meantime, I'm really looking forward to the five sessions of general conference this weekend. Please join me. Come with a life question you've been wondering about. I know there will be a talk or some sort of nugget that is meant just for me. There's at least one for you, too. Or maybe our answers will be found in the wonderfully inspiring music. There is something you're wondering in your heart, and I believe you can find your answer at October 2024 General Conference.  SCHEDULE Mountain Time: Sat 10:00am-12:00pm Sat 2:00pm-4:00pm Sat 6:00pm-8:00pm Sun 10:00am-12:00pm Sun 2:00pm-4:00pm You can find the broadcasts on YouTube, BYU T

  Skylawn Memorial Park, Pacific Ocean in background  My desire to write and my physical ability to do so are both lowering. Please know, though, that details for my memorial service, for in-person and Zoom, will be posted here when it's time. Every morning when I wake up I have the same three thoughts:  1) Hey, I had a pretty good night's sleep.  2) Oh, that’s right, I’m dying. And way too slowly.  3) I wonder how much it’s gonna hurt today. One of these days, I will have the luxury of it being the last time I have these thoughts. Every day I want it to be the last time I ever think them. When my hospice person sub came last week, we talked about pain levels, and trying to avoid chasing the pain, etc. My husband has been an excellent champion on my behalf in this regard. I told the sub I just really wanted to die and have this all behind me. Then he brought up the End of Life Option Act which I hadn't heard of. In California it allows certain adults with terminal illnesses

For the past 7 months I've been so focused on, first of all, keeping myself alive and overcoming the bad cells. Then worrying about the whole process of dying. Then keeping myself comfortable against the pain. Planning my memorial service and helping with decisions on final arrangements, etc. Then thinking about the moment I cross over and see my parents and sister and other loved ones who have gone before as they welcome and guide me. (Perhaps I will see and communicate with them before I cross over. Awesome!) But my thoughts hadn't quite gotten to what I think comes after that. That would hopefully be meeting the Savior himself. What will that be like? Will I recognize him? What will we say to each other? What will we do? I think I will recognize him. In fact, I think all of us will be surprised when we get back to the other side and see His face and realize how familiar He is. Since we all knew Him before we came to Earth, it only makes sense that when we get back again to

We're taking advantage of three programs.  SDI - We've been receiving State Disability Insurance payments twice monthly. This covers our rent and a little more--nice. "Employees who can't work because of a temporary non-work-related illness or injury can apply for short-term disability insurance through CASDI." SSDI - Yesterday we finished applying for Social Security Disability insurance. This is where Social Security provides monthly payments to people who have a disability that stops or limits their ability to work. It pays more than regular social security and you don't have to be of SS age. You have to be over 18 and "have a condition and expect it to affect your ability to work for a year or more or will result in death." Michael opened the application on his laptop and cast it to the TV so we could both see it from bed and answer the many questions. The payments will be retroactive to when this first affected my ability to work (March?) so tha

This has been a very doable week for me. From Sunday afternoon until today, Friday, pain levels have been very cooperative. I'm EXTREMELY grateful for this and make my gratitude known through prayer often. Besides all of your prayers on my behalf which I SO appreciate, it must also be the higher dosage of one of my meds helping. It makes me drowsier but that doesn't bother me. Besides, the drowsiness has been a nice benefit at night time--I've been sleeping better! Most nights this week I've gone to sleep around midnight and woken up to my 7:00am pill alarm. I love when that happens. I continue to do my PT in the evenings at my bedside. My PT is mostly for leg strength and balance. Yesterday my legs felt a little weak for the first time as I walked with my walker from the bedroom to the bathroom, which worried me. Today I started adding a few more gentle squats at my bedside when I get the chance. I want to keep my legs strong so I can continue to move myself around the

We are starting to plan my memorial service. My good friend Stacey has agreed to share stories contributed by friends. Memories from family members will be shared by my sister Susan or Patty. Do you have an anecdote, observation, or any thoughts you'd like to share? It can be funny or serious or anything at all. Christine Moore Packer, I think you should definitely share the story of my mom sending you and me to the mall to buy a bra, but I came home with a basketball instead. Haha! Friends: please send memories to Stacey James - sjames_rwc@yahoo.com Redd Family members:  please send memories to  both of these email addresses Patty Rooks - pattykennington@gmail.com Susan Davis - sdavis2488@msn.com Also, it might be nice to note how we know each other, e.g. elementary school friend, church friend, work friend, cousin, etc. to be included in the reading. There is no obligation, of course! I am just happy you're here following the blog.

Yesterday we started looking at the clothing I will be wearing for my burial. Did I just say that out loud to my phone? I'm saying a lot of weird things out loud lately. What we should be saying out loud is talking about packing lists and preparing for fun trips we want to go on. In our church, those who have been through the temple, or "received their endowments," wear their white temple clothing when they're buried. I haven't worn the white temple dress my mother made for me many years ago in several years because it hasn't fit. (You can rent dresses at the temple.) Since I've lost 25-30 pounds in the last 6 months since my diagnosis I fit my dress better. But actually, it doesn't really have to fit at all. I remember my mother saying that when you dress a deceased body, you can just cut the back of the dress open and lay the front of the dress over the person. So, all that really needs to fit are the sleeves. We tried a sleeve on my arm that doesn

Monday was super weird. At a couple of points I thought maybe it was THE day. You know, like maybe my "graduation" day from this life. And I would have been mostly okay with it.  It had to do with the cannabis product I tried for pain. I had taken a HALF of a gummy a couple of days earlier for pain. It didn't have any side effects, but it didn't make much of a dent in the pain. So, today I tried a FULL gummy. It was 10 mg of THC and 10 mg of CBG. Apparently it was a mistake to double the THC from 5 to 10 mg. Eek. What I've been told is that the THC is the psychoactive component, but you do want a little bit of it in there to augment the effect of the other components that you're using for pain or anxiety or whatever. The people who want to actually get high take THC in doses many times higher than 10 mg I ingested. Breanne was over, babysitting me while Michael was out to lunch with a friend. About 30-45 minutes after I chewed up the gummy I started feeling re

Since stopping my supplements, lemon-garlic drink and Essiac tea a few weeks ago, it seems things are speeding up. My whole breast-shoulder quadrant seems to be filling with cancer faster. It's getting bigger and more sensitive, and small bumps. There's more pain which is harder to keep up with with drugs. We're trying. As of yesterday I'm doubling my Gabapentin (for nerve pain). Hoping it will help soon, hasn't yet. Just getting up to use the bathroom leads to moaning after a couple of minutes of being upright.  Lying in bed or being in the recliner is the least painful, but still painful. Michael brings me ice often which helps a lot, temporarily. Lying on my back is the only position I can sustain, so I'm on my back all day and all night. I get sweaty not being able to turn to different positions so I keep a fan going 24/7, and keep changing small, folded towels on my pillow. Assuming I'm on my way out of this life, we are trying to get things in order as

I tried the full gummy the last two nights and had a great night's sleep both times--yay. 6.5 hours. I'll try it again tonight with two changes, trying 1.5 gummies and skipping my usual 60 mg of melatonin to see what happens. I actually haven't been taking the melatonin for sleep, it's a leftover from the high dosage Fenbendazol protocol I was following a while back. It was supposed to aid in the killing of bad cells. Today was a really good day: very low pain levels and no crying. It's been a lovely change after three days of crying and higher pain levels. (The evening turned out to be rough pain wise, which causes tears. Adding a lidocaine patch on my shoulder blade for the night, and I can take an extra pain pill if I want. So, I have options.) Yesterday the psychiatric department at Kaiser called me and I have my first video call with someone next Tuesday. On the intake phone call they asked me interesting questions about self harm, alcohol use (I don’t drink),

Tuesday - I tried a new CBD sleep product last night, but it didn't make a difference. But I only tried half of a gummy. Slept from 12:00-4:00am, Then 5:30-7:00am. Went to see the surgeon today to check on the lumpy bumps. He says the color has changed. It's a little darker, more purpley than our last visit three weeks ago. I asked him what I should do if the lumps decide to break the skin. He said to make an appointment and they would take care of it in the wound care department. Meaning ointment and gauze. I guess it would then be an open wound until . . . I die? I prefer that the lumps just stay inside and behave until . . . whenever. In other news, on our way home I noticed where the aura of my bed extends to in our town here. On our way home I could feel the aura of the safety of my bed at the intersection of Holly Street and Industrial Rd. Now I know the radius of my beloved bed's aura reaches about a quarter mile. ;) I spoke with my palliative doctor this afternoon.

As I've been feeling better the last little while, I find myself surprised at what an emotional wreck I have become this afternoon and evening. I don't know what to do except just let the sobbing run its course. The waves keep hitting as do the shaking shoulders and the piles of used Kleenexes. I didn't follow up with my doctor about mood medication or seeing a mental health professional since I was feeling better. I think having been feeling better has spoiled me a little, so when things start getting uncomfortable again it affects me more. I feel like the whole lumpy bump and shoulder blade area quadrant is filling up with bad cells and pressing on nerves. The whole area looks a little bigger/fuller, and maybe angrier. Today is day two of adding a third dose of nerve medication (Gabapentin) to my day. I expected to feel better, not worse. It's supposed to take a couple of days to reach its maximum effectiveness, so I will keep hoping for improvement tomorrow or the n

Wonder Daughter helped me thin out a couple of dresser drawers yesterday. When my pain levels are higher, I feel like death is closer and that makes it easier to toss stuff out. But since I've been a little comfier lately, it makes it harder to be ruthless since I feel less sure about which direction I'm going and how soon I might get there. Weird place, but kind of my norm. Besides some of my clothes, including too many pairs of shorts, one of the items we'll keep is my baby quilt. My mother made it for me and it features a laurel wreath.  As far as eating while lying down goes, I usually cover myself with a place mat. But somehow I still find a way to spill food on my PJs. My brilliant son suggested that I have a pair of pajamas made out of place mats. Hahaha! I have figured out how to eat sitting up, with the help of pickle pillows behind my back for support. I eat pretty quickly, even left-handed, so I'm not sitting up for long. My sleep hours continue to be on the

All-positive read: Yesterday, Monday, was acupuncture appointment #4. It didn't require a lidocaine patch on whatever was bothering me that day as I sometimes do to help prophylactically with outings. (My current hotspots are my aching right shoulder blade and my original lumpy bumps that look very purpley-red and feel stingy or sharp lately.) Nor did I need to muster as much courage as usual to get out the door. Hooray. After the appointment I still actually had a little leftover bandwidth for us to drive to another Kaiser location to pick up a couple of prescription refills. It was strange and a little exciting that I wasn't crying about getting back to the safety of my bed as fast as possible. I announced to Michael while we were on the freeway that we were actually running an errand together (even though I waited in the car). We loved the thought. When leaving my acupuncture appointment, the gal who made my next appointment paid me a compliment on my flawless complexion, li

Wonder Daughter shaved my legs today. I have no idea how many weeks it's been. There is a spa-like trickling water video playing in the background for atmosphere. Thank you for this kind act of love, Breanne! Also, last night turned out to be the best night's sleep in a while. Plus morning snoozing after pill time and comfy pain levels most of the day. Score!

After a pretty good week last week, pain wise, the last three days have been slightly rougher. Really more emotional than anything. But the emotions and discomfort affect each other. I don't know if it was the acupuncture or a slight change in meds that helped me feel better last week. I speak to my palliative pharmacist about weekly--she is wonderful. This week we decided to go up another small step on one of my meds. I started that this morning. It'll take a couple of days to reach full effectiveness. I have been so doggone emotional the last few days. I thought maybe this crisis had already reached its peak in toying with my emotional chemistry, but apparently not. I've finally started considering looking into the options Kaiser has offered of either talking to a mental health professional, or taking some sort of medication to even me out a little bit. There's always room for another pill in my life, right? It would be lovely to get back to being a person who can s

Had an unbelievably great night last night! I think I woke up once for a few seconds between midnight and 6:00am then went right back to sleep. Next thing I knew it was getting light out and I was thrilled. I took my early morning pills then comfortably went back to sleep for a few more hours. What the heck?! Analyzing yesterday hoping to duplicate a good night's sleep: Did some PT which felt good. I've added squeezing a squishy ball as a part of my PT for my hands. I feel like my hands are getting a little weak and sometimes shaky if I'm trying to do something fine. I haven't been doing a lot of normal things that use regular hand muscles, like grasping a knife to chop an onion, or washing my hair, grasping the steering wheel to drive the car, grocery shopping, or folding laundry, etc. Thus, squishy ball. Went for my first short walk in at least a week. Having not walked much the last over the last week could be contributing to not sleeping very well at night, but I h

The pain gauge over the last three days has been lowering. Speaking with my palliative pharmacist, letting her know that my current regimen still needed some tweaking, she recommended adding a little more of one med which is specifically for bone pain, in hopes of reducing the dosage of another more general pain reliever which is harder on the body. I only seem to be experiencing one side effect of the bone med, and that is drowsiness. I can live with drowsiness! I know things are constantly changing, but currently feeling hopeful. A 3-day trend is something to get excited about. I slept pretty well on Monday night! This was after taking two of the CBN lozenges. I slept from midnight to 2am, then went quickly back to sleep until 6am! Took my 7am pills early, and snoozed until my 8am pills. Tried that again last night (Tuesday), but not with the same results. There were many wakeful moments, but very short ones. See the graph–the orange peaks are awake times. I was calm and comfortable

I'll add more photos later when I'm up to it. As mentioned, my final sister, Patty, came last week to visit from Tuesday to Thursday. She and her husband had just returned from their mission to New Zealand the week before. Of course, I have loved visiting with each of my sisters over the past few months, but I knew this visit would be extra special and impactful for me. I knew we would have deep conversations because that is her personality and because her dear husband died of leukemia five years ago. So, she's had experience in this arena. I also wanted to have these conversations as I revere her wisdom, experience, and deep grasp of the gospel of Jesus Christ.  Our daughter picked her up from the San Francisco Airport. Patty walked into my bedroom, she came over and we embraced. We Redd sisters love to hug each other. We have a tall bed. When I’m standing on the floor, it comes up to about my bellybutton. Why is it so high? For space efficiency. This way we can keep a low

A new addition to the bed: a small rail for steadiness as I climb in and out. I was hoping last night could duplicate the night before when I had a great sleep after using a CBN candy and some other precautions for comfort. While it was not a repeat, it was good enough. It took a couple of hours to get to sleep, (watched an Italian cooking show called Lydia's kitchen, with no sound, captions only), then I probably got about two hours of sleep (midnight-2am?) before I was awake for a couple of hours. My thoughts weren't as bleak as they had been a couple of nights before, and I was able to keep myself physically relaxed enough to not need the next pain reliever. Michael helped by bringing ice, etc. So, I slept from about 4:00-7:00am when my watch woke me up for my first pills of the day. It wasn't a great night, but it wasn't horrible either. I'll take it.

  Not a difficult read. My under arm and breast lumpy bumps are about the size of ping-pong balls, and the skin on them and between them is very purply. This is what I’m going to see the surgeon about on August 1. To see if I should have surgery done to remove those, or if they're past the point of no return, or if it would be more recovery trauma than it’s worth depending on the method they would need to choose, etc. In the meantime, I’m trying to think of how to keep that skin at its healthiest to avoid skin breakage as long as possible. My daughter and I were looking things up online. She had heard that coconut oil is good for things like reducing stretch marks on skin, so we thought that might be one option. I don’t have stretch marks there, but it indicated it could be helpful for skin health. Another option is to put the CBD cream on the skin. It’s the same cream I’ve been having Michael put on painful hotspots on my back. The CBD cream has the added benefit of reducing pain.