Laurel's Cancer Journey

Big day today. My life changed. Laurel has been experiencing some kind of pain or distress that has caused her to groan over and over and for long periods. Meds usually take care of it but it got worse last night and this morning. It's pitiful to sit beside her, asking where it hurts, does she want an ice pack, what can I do, and she can't respond. She has not been communicating for a couple days. I think whatever was causing this distress was just overwhelming her. I'm thinking pain so great you can't even think straight. I called hospice for help last night and again this morning. Our nurse came over about noon for her usual visit. Laurel was groaning. I don't want to say 'in anguish', and she wasn't writhing, but something was clearly really bothering her and she couldn't respond to questions. Our nurse called the doctor. Everyone is up to speed on every call I've made so the doctor knew Laurel's recent history and instructed the nurse to

It's Michael. In the last three days, Laurel has stopped eating, mostly stopped drinking, stopped getting out of bed, basically stopped communicating, and almost stopped being able to take meds. In a very short time, she's gone from sleeping in our bed to sleeping in the living room in a hospital bed, to not being able to get out of that bed, to needing everything done for her and now this evening, to being on oxygen. This all is not what I pictured when I thought we might be headed for a repetitive daily life while waiting for one of us to exit. If the last three days are any indication of the near future, it won't be Laurel who goes first. Because of the new difficulty with pill taking, we've changed to a Fentanyl patch for pain management. The patch replaces two of the meds Laurel was taking multiple times daily. Hospice kept asking if we wanted to keep taking pills and I thought "What's the big deal?" Well, I see it now. As various skills stop working,

It's Michael. Guess I don't really need to keep saying that, but I'm going to anyway. I felt very sure yesterday would be Laurel's last day. What do I know? I even exercised my faith by not preparing the next days meds last night. Welll, drat. Not only was I mistaken but today's hospice nurse estimates 2-3 weeks before she'll leave us. We may be beginning a phase of daily repetition with slow progress toward the goal. I am not amused. Talk time appears to be over with my sweetie. She does not initiate conversation, even to express her needs. She does respond to questions but her responses are halting and very slow. Very. She can fall asleep after saying just the first few words of her sentence, I'll rub her arm lightly, she'll wake and ask if she finished her sentence. I hate it. I doubt she's digging it, either, and wonder how much she is really processing but is unable to tell me. I'm talking with hospice about her possibly being medicated beyo

It's Michael. There will be no more draft approvals by Laurel so I'll try to make her proud in my writing. I really feel she's at the brink. The reduction in the new med has had no effect on her grogginess. She still seems sedated. Hospice will check in again tomorrow for an update. I have to wonder if the grogginess and lethargy are just symptoms of her decline. She has almost no strength. From bad cell spread? From not eating? Is she over-medicated? She cannot keep her eyes open. Her breathing is shallow and halting. She can barely lift a cup to drink. She rarely initiates conversation, just responds to inputs. She can barely walk, even with assistance, and can't push the walker over a 1/4" high bump. After a short walk this morning, she said she didn't think she could stand again. I told her she wouldn't have to. I believe she's done walking as of today. A bit of (maybe?) humor. We were sitting beside each other and she announced "Jesus is here.

It's Michael. She's not really 'here', actually. But there is a chance she might be back. We started the new med yesterday and she was pain free (this was a BIG deal) all day but asleep most of the day. Hospice is coming three days a week and at today's visit, they connected me with the doctor so I could express my concerns about Laurel possibly being over-medicated. It is a new experience talking to a doctor who seems to have all the time in the world for just you, listens patiently to your concerns, offers suggestions, and asks what you think about them. I mean, in my experience, that never happens. It's almost an emotional experience. Of course, blinking is an emotional experience these days. But seriously, I'm praising our hospice team publicly and have complimented them directly. Today's phone call with the doctor yielded a plan to go from one tablet every 8 hours around the clock to one tablet every 12 hours, and to use the previous medication for

It's Michael. The good news is the new medication is keeping her pain-free. The cost, again, is her grogginess and not being herself. It's like she's a generic, tired, nice person. Kind, caring, polite. But the spark that made this generic person Laurel is often not there. I had written some details about her decline but I just can't bring myself to share them. That would have been her privilege. It must suffice to say that living is getting hard for her. I hope the Lord will gather her home before she is just lying in a bed, unable to interact and is just waiting. Lots of intense feelings and emotions. I imagine only those who have been here, or somewhere similar, can fully appreciate this experience. Trying to put it into words reduces its sacredness. At least for me. Thank you for everything you are all doing for her and for us.

It's Michael. Well, she said she didn't want to go on Halloween so we'll see what happens. Hospital bed is working out well. I can sleep right next to her on the sofa and have easy and quick access if she needs anything. She is very drowsy and sleeps or at least deeply rests most of the day. But the good news is that today was essentially pain-free. So glad. We start a new med tomorrow since the one we've been using is in short supply. Fingers crossed that the new one will be equally, or even more effective.

It's Michael. Hospital bed arrived today. Laurel is using it for the first time tonight. I miss having her next to me.

It's Michael. Laurel is having a really hard time expressing her thoughts. I wish we could share more.

It's Michael. All I could get out of Laurel was the title above. She's just exhausted/groggy most of the time. Thinking is hard, processing is hard, remembering multi-step tasks is hard. She has mentioned how time has changed for her. I went to the other room to get something and was gone about ten seconds. When I came back to our bedroom, she was surprised to see me, and thought 15 minutes had passed. There is so much happening. And so little. There is a lot to write but she wants this to be short. I'll just say it's an unusual and tender time.

It's Michael. Laurel had a pretty pain-free day yesterday. The trade-off is the extreme drowsiness that accompanies the relief. We discussed this trade-off early on and as much as she wants to be present, she wants pain relief more. And that's what she will have. I wish she was 'here' to share more details with you. She's too groggy to even approve this message. I don't want to post without her okay so this short note will have to suffice for the foreseeable future, unless she has more lucid moments.

It's Michael. Laurel asks "Have you heard of a blessing of release?" And, "What do you know about them?" Also: "My pain level is good today but it seems to show in my mental processing. I'm very, very slow." (I can confirm this. It's pitiful) It took us at least five minutes to get this written. I had to repeat it over and over as she tried to comprehend it. She wanted it to sound like she was talking to a group. She kept drifting away but I assured her it sounded good. It's hard to decide how much to share. Suffice it to say this is very difficult. I feel like I'm watching someone very important to me, and to the world, fade before my eyes tiny step by tiny step. It's heart-wrenching. Again, thank you for all comments. Every word feels written by angels. Reminder that we are really enjoying your thoughts but will not be responding.

It's Michael. We may just about have the pain medication right. Hospice was here yesterday and we've upped a couple meds. Laurel is doing great today, pain-wise, but the trade off is extreme drowsiness. She has tried many times to do the update for today but keeps dozing off. She continues to sleep through the night. Talk about a blessing. When I think about the alternative, dealing with her painful symptoms 24 hours a day rather than just during waking hours, my gratitude is renewed. Truly the Lord is not testing her beyond her ability to endure. It may be close...! but she's persevering. I couldn't be more proud of her or more grateful for all of you. She enjoys hearing your words. I know it's not easy for some of you to post, so a special thank you goes out to you. More tomorrow.

It's Michael. We've had a couple bad pain days. Came very close to breaking out the Morphine yesterday evening.  Laurel remains very brave. She is getting significantly weaker but talks about taking very short walks to the front room to keep up her strength.  Hospice is very supportive. We feel like Laurel is their only patient. We have direct access to nurses, doctors and the pharmacy.  We'll see what tomorrow brings. Please pray for comfort. And thank you to all of you who are already doing that. You are all wonderful.

A.B.C.D. = Another Beautiful California Day. In the past I'd be happy about that.

  Still here. It's become common for Laurel to take her 7am and 730am meds then drift back to sleep. Miraculously she has no pain when asleep. Hospice has increased their visits to three per week and we expect them today. They check the lesions on her right breast and underarm areas (you don't want to see pictures of this), monitor her swollen right arm and hand (Laurel accurately described the appearance as that of Captain Kirk's hands in the 2009 Star Trek movie), take her vitals and count her meds for refills. Generally, her pain is mostly well-controlled. Sometimes there are a couple tough hours in the early morning and evening but she settles down in time for bed and sleeps through the night uninterrupted. What a blessing. It's about noon and she's been asleep all morning. It's so great to see her relaxed. I am reading your responses to Laurel as she's capable of listening but please don't expect any responses for now. I can't tell you how much

Still here. I guess I'll be writing this everyday now.    

  To Laurel's people, this is her husband, Michael. We want to give you a brief update. Each day is so full, it would be hard to give all the details. I will sum it up by saying she spends a lot of each day in pain. Just today we are finally having some success with the newest medication. There is a tradeoff, though. Less pain also means less mental awareness and much more drowsiness. It is a huge blessing that she sleeps through the night. She remains determined to keep moving. As of about a week ago, She can no longer get into bed by herself. But she can get out, and with my support and her walker, can walk to the bathroom or the front room to sit in the recliner. There is no more walking without assistance. Hospice wants us to get a hospital bed, but Laurel does not want that yet. For me, it would be a huge step, signaling she is done moving forever. I won't like that moment, and hope it doesn't come to that. She gathered the kids yesterday and shared a few loving though

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/feature/general-conference?lang=eng I know it's been a while, folks. I'm still here, on the top side of the grass, slowly composing my next FB post--it usually takes me a few days. And these past few days have been a little rough--working with hospice trying to stay comfy. More on that later. In the meantime, I'm really looking forward to the five sessions of general conference this weekend. Please join me. Come with a life question you've been wondering about. I know there will be a talk or some sort of nugget that is meant just for me. There's at least one for you, too. Or maybe our answers will be found in the wonderfully inspiring music. There is something you're wondering in your heart, and I believe you can find your answer at October 2024 General Conference.  SCHEDULE Mountain Time: Sat 10:00am-12:00pm Sat 2:00pm-4:00pm Sat 6:00pm-8:00pm Sun 10:00am-12:00pm Sun 2:00pm-4:00pm You can find the broadcasts on YouTube, BYU T

  Skylawn Memorial Park, Pacific Ocean in background  My desire to write and my physical ability to do so are both lowering. Please know, though, that details for my memorial service, for in-person and Zoom, will be posted here when it's time. Every morning when I wake up I have the same three thoughts:  1) Hey, I had a pretty good night's sleep.  2) Oh, that’s right, I’m dying. And way too slowly.  3) I wonder how much it’s gonna hurt today. One of these days, I will have the luxury of it being the last time I have these thoughts. Every day I want it to be the last time I ever think them. When my hospice person sub came last week, we talked about pain levels, and trying to avoid chasing the pain, etc. My husband has been an excellent champion on my behalf in this regard. I told the sub I just really wanted to die and have this all behind me. Then he brought up the End of Life Option Act which I hadn't heard of. In California it allows certain adults with terminal illnesses

For the past 7 months I've been so focused on, first of all, keeping myself alive and overcoming the bad cells. Then worrying about the whole process of dying. Then keeping myself comfortable against the pain. Planning my memorial service and helping with decisions on final arrangements, etc. Then thinking about the moment I cross over and see my parents and sister and other loved ones who have gone before as they welcome and guide me. (Perhaps I will see and communicate with them before I cross over. Awesome!) But my thoughts hadn't quite gotten to what I think comes after that. That would hopefully be meeting the Savior himself. What will that be like? Will I recognize him? What will we say to each other? What will we do? I think I will recognize him. In fact, I think all of us will be surprised when we get back to the other side and see His face and realize how familiar He is. Since we all knew Him before we came to Earth, it only makes sense that when we get back again to

We're taking advantage of three programs.  SDI - We've been receiving State Disability Insurance payments twice monthly. This covers our rent and a little more--nice. "Employees who can't work because of a temporary non-work-related illness or injury can apply for short-term disability insurance through CASDI." SSDI - Yesterday we finished applying for Social Security Disability insurance. This is where Social Security provides monthly payments to people who have a disability that stops or limits their ability to work. It pays more than regular social security and you don't have to be of SS age. You have to be over 18 and "have a condition and expect it to affect your ability to work for a year or more or will result in death." Michael opened the application on his laptop and cast it to the TV so we could both see it from bed and answer the many questions. The payments will be retroactive to when this first affected my ability to work (March?) so tha

This has been a very doable week for me. From Sunday afternoon until today, Friday, pain levels have been very cooperative. I'm EXTREMELY grateful for this and make my gratitude known through prayer often. Besides all of your prayers on my behalf which I SO appreciate, it must also be the higher dosage of one of my meds helping. It makes me drowsier but that doesn't bother me. Besides, the drowsiness has been a nice benefit at night time--I've been sleeping better! Most nights this week I've gone to sleep around midnight and woken up to my 7:00am pill alarm. I love when that happens. I continue to do my PT in the evenings at my bedside. My PT is mostly for leg strength and balance. Yesterday my legs felt a little weak for the first time as I walked with my walker from the bedroom to the bathroom, which worried me. Today I started adding a few more gentle squats at my bedside when I get the chance. I want to keep my legs strong so I can continue to move myself around the

We are starting to plan my memorial service. My good friend Stacey has agreed to share stories contributed by friends. Memories from family members will be shared by my sister Susan or Patty. Do you have an anecdote, observation, or any thoughts you'd like to share? It can be funny or serious or anything at all. Christine Moore Packer, I think you should definitely share the story of my mom sending you and me to the mall to buy a bra, but I came home with a basketball instead. Haha! Friends: please send memories to Stacey James - sjames_rwc@yahoo.com Redd Family members:  please send memories to  both of these email addresses Patty Rooks - pattykennington@gmail.com Susan Davis - sdavis2488@msn.com Also, it might be nice to note how we know each other, e.g. elementary school friend, church friend, work friend, cousin, etc. to be included in the reading. There is no obligation, of course! I am just happy you're here following the blog.

Yesterday we started looking at the clothing I will be wearing for my burial. Did I just say that out loud to my phone? I'm saying a lot of weird things out loud lately. What we should be saying out loud is talking about packing lists and preparing for fun trips we want to go on. In our church, those who have been through the temple, or "received their endowments," wear their white temple clothing when they're buried. I haven't worn the white temple dress my mother made for me many years ago in several years because it hasn't fit. (You can rent dresses at the temple.) Since I've lost 25-30 pounds in the last 6 months since my diagnosis I fit my dress better. But actually, it doesn't really have to fit at all. I remember my mother saying that when you dress a deceased body, you can just cut the back of the dress open and lay the front of the dress over the person. So, all that really needs to fit are the sleeves. We tried a sleeve on my arm that doesn

Monday was super weird. At a couple of points I thought maybe it was THE day. You know, like maybe my "graduation" day from this life. And I would have been mostly okay with it.  It had to do with the cannabis product I tried for pain. I had taken a HALF of a gummy a couple of days earlier for pain. It didn't have any side effects, but it didn't make much of a dent in the pain. So, today I tried a FULL gummy. It was 10 mg of THC and 10 mg of CBG. Apparently it was a mistake to double the THC from 5 to 10 mg. Eek. What I've been told is that the THC is the psychoactive component, but you do want a little bit of it in there to augment the effect of the other components that you're using for pain or anxiety or whatever. The people who want to actually get high take THC in doses many times higher than 10 mg I ingested. Breanne was over, babysitting me while Michael was out to lunch with a friend. About 30-45 minutes after I chewed up the gummy I started feeling re

Since stopping my supplements, lemon-garlic drink and Essiac tea a few weeks ago, it seems things are speeding up. My whole breast-shoulder quadrant seems to be filling with cancer faster. It's getting bigger and more sensitive, and small bumps. There's more pain which is harder to keep up with with drugs. We're trying. As of yesterday I'm doubling my Gabapentin (for nerve pain). Hoping it will help soon, hasn't yet. Just getting up to use the bathroom leads to moaning after a couple of minutes of being upright.  Lying in bed or being in the recliner is the least painful, but still painful. Michael brings me ice often which helps a lot, temporarily. Lying on my back is the only position I can sustain, so I'm on my back all day and all night. I get sweaty not being able to turn to different positions so I keep a fan going 24/7, and keep changing small, folded towels on my pillow. Assuming I'm on my way out of this life, we are trying to get things in order as

I tried the full gummy the last two nights and had a great night's sleep both times--yay. 6.5 hours. I'll try it again tonight with two changes, trying 1.5 gummies and skipping my usual 60 mg of melatonin to see what happens. I actually haven't been taking the melatonin for sleep, it's a leftover from the high dosage Fenbendazol protocol I was following a while back. It was supposed to aid in the killing of bad cells. Today was a really good day: very low pain levels and no crying. It's been a lovely change after three days of crying and higher pain levels. (The evening turned out to be rough pain wise, which causes tears. Adding a lidocaine patch on my shoulder blade for the night, and I can take an extra pain pill if I want. So, I have options.) Yesterday the psychiatric department at Kaiser called me and I have my first video call with someone next Tuesday. On the intake phone call they asked me interesting questions about self harm, alcohol use (I don’t drink),

Tuesday - I tried a new CBD sleep product last night, but it didn't make a difference. But I only tried half of a gummy. Slept from 12:00-4:00am, Then 5:30-7:00am. Went to see the surgeon today to check on the lumpy bumps. He says the color has changed. It's a little darker, more purpley than our last visit three weeks ago. I asked him what I should do if the lumps decide to break the skin. He said to make an appointment and they would take care of it in the wound care department. Meaning ointment and gauze. I guess it would then be an open wound until . . . I die? I prefer that the lumps just stay inside and behave until . . . whenever. In other news, on our way home I noticed where the aura of my bed extends to in our town here. On our way home I could feel the aura of the safety of my bed at the intersection of Holly Street and Industrial Rd. Now I know the radius of my beloved bed's aura reaches about a quarter mile. ;) I spoke with my palliative doctor this afternoon.

As I've been feeling better the last little while, I find myself surprised at what an emotional wreck I have become this afternoon and evening. I don't know what to do except just let the sobbing run its course. The waves keep hitting as do the shaking shoulders and the piles of used Kleenexes. I didn't follow up with my doctor about mood medication or seeing a mental health professional since I was feeling better. I think having been feeling better has spoiled me a little, so when things start getting uncomfortable again it affects me more. I feel like the whole lumpy bump and shoulder blade area quadrant is filling up with bad cells and pressing on nerves. The whole area looks a little bigger/fuller, and maybe angrier. Today is day two of adding a third dose of nerve medication (Gabapentin) to my day. I expected to feel better, not worse. It's supposed to take a couple of days to reach its maximum effectiveness, so I will keep hoping for improvement tomorrow or the n

Wonder Daughter helped me thin out a couple of dresser drawers yesterday. When my pain levels are higher, I feel like death is closer and that makes it easier to toss stuff out. But since I've been a little comfier lately, it makes it harder to be ruthless since I feel less sure about which direction I'm going and how soon I might get there. Weird place, but kind of my norm. Besides some of my clothes, including too many pairs of shorts, one of the items we'll keep is my baby quilt. My mother made it for me and it features a laurel wreath.  As far as eating while lying down goes, I usually cover myself with a place mat. But somehow I still find a way to spill food on my PJs. My brilliant son suggested that I have a pair of pajamas made out of place mats. Hahaha! I have figured out how to eat sitting up, with the help of pickle pillows behind my back for support. I eat pretty quickly, even left-handed, so I'm not sitting up for long. My sleep hours continue to be on the

All-positive read: Yesterday, Monday, was acupuncture appointment #4. It didn't require a lidocaine patch on whatever was bothering me that day as I sometimes do to help prophylactically with outings. (My current hotspots are my aching right shoulder blade and my original lumpy bumps that look very purpley-red and feel stingy or sharp lately.) Nor did I need to muster as much courage as usual to get out the door. Hooray. After the appointment I still actually had a little leftover bandwidth for us to drive to another Kaiser location to pick up a couple of prescription refills. It was strange and a little exciting that I wasn't crying about getting back to the safety of my bed as fast as possible. I announced to Michael while we were on the freeway that we were actually running an errand together (even though I waited in the car). We loved the thought. When leaving my acupuncture appointment, the gal who made my next appointment paid me a compliment on my flawless complexion, li

Wonder Daughter shaved my legs today. I have no idea how many weeks it's been. There is a spa-like trickling water video playing in the background for atmosphere. Thank you for this kind act of love, Breanne! Also, last night turned out to be the best night's sleep in a while. Plus morning snoozing after pill time and comfy pain levels most of the day. Score!

After a pretty good week last week, pain wise, the last three days have been slightly rougher. Really more emotional than anything. But the emotions and discomfort affect each other. I don't know if it was the acupuncture or a slight change in meds that helped me feel better last week. I speak to my palliative pharmacist about weekly--she is wonderful. This week we decided to go up another small step on one of my meds. I started that this morning. It'll take a couple of days to reach full effectiveness. I have been so doggone emotional the last few days. I thought maybe this crisis had already reached its peak in toying with my emotional chemistry, but apparently not. I've finally started considering looking into the options Kaiser has offered of either talking to a mental health professional, or taking some sort of medication to even me out a little bit. There's always room for another pill in my life, right? It would be lovely to get back to being a person who can s