If It's My Time, Just Bring It. Please.

Didn't know when I'd be able to write again. I'm in the perfect moment of overlapping pain killers right now. My back started really bothering me on Saturday. I started leap-frogging Tylenol and ibuprofen. Since then, Michael has been tracking when I can take the next dosage of something. Also using arnica gel, ice, and Willow Balm patches. I'm glad a few of you recommended to stay ahead of the pain. Had I not tried to, things could be worse. If that's possible. I am in touch with my palliative care doctor about next-level pain management.

 

Didn't go to church yesterday, so happy there's a Zoom option. At this moment, I honestly can't see myself ever going anywhere again. Hubby is at the grocery store right now without me. We don't like that--we like doing everything together.

 

While he was gone for a few minutes earlier today I was trying to find a comfy position. Of any kind. I knelt on the floor in front of the couch and rested my head on a little pillow in my hands, elbows on the couch. I cried out to Heavenly Father for comfort. For relief. I even found myself asking Him to send my mother to comfort me. We're told angels are all around us, but I wanted THAT one. I didn't feel her presence, but felt comfort and some relief for a few minutes. Gave thanks for that. Had I thought to bring tissues to the floor with me I wouldn't have made such a mess of the couch. I took all kinds of shortcuts in the shower. I'm clean enough.

 

Later I told Michael that if this is my exit route I don't want it to be this slow. If this is my new trajectory, I will have to go through too much for too long waiting for my organs to shut down and bring me through the door to the Spirit World. I have loved ones there and I know it will be a wonderful experience to be there. When I do arrive whether it's sooner or later, this trial will seem so small. But now, it does not. If this is a refining experience that will be beneficial to me ultimately, I will try to bear it well. But I won't love it.

 

Is this just the next hurdle? Will it end and I'll be "back at it" to some degree? Or is it the doom I've been dreading? I guess we'll find out together. If it's my time, just bring it. Please.

 

I've been doing everything possible. You all have been helping in your own ways. Michael has been heroic. And, as I become more helpless, he's been even more heroic, doing everything.

 

I know you won't know what to say to this. You don't have to say anything. I just wanted to update you and express myself.

 

This is really hard.

 

Photos: Taken two Sundays ago by stealth daughter. My setup in the pew is my white bed pillow against the wall and a little pillow for my neck. At the wall is where I spend most of the hour, interspersed with leaning forward as shown, or even sitting upright for a few minutes like a real person. The other photo is from when we escaped to the ladies' room. There are two upholstered rocking chairs for mothers to nurse babies. Wonder Daughter Breanne sat on the table between the chairs so she could hold my chair tipped back like a recliner. She put a box of diapers under my feet, knowing I'd been more comfy. Our friend Stacey joined us. It was nice to just close my eyes and listen to their conversation, not having to participate.