A Deep Dark Pit of Fear

 

**This starts out rough, but it gets better. Stay with me.**

Saturday night in bed, I fell into a deep, dark pit of fear. There is cancer in two of my vertebrae, the T4 and T12. My T4 vertebra (in the upper back) had been bothering me more than usual that day. The more I feel it, the more scared it makes me. Is this it? Is this the time the ache is going to come and never leave again? Then get worse, and more constant, and more painful, and eventually fracture my vertebra from inside the bone where the cancer is growing? When that happens will I live out the rest of my days in a hospital bed in the family room in pain beyond what drugs can help with, waiting and waiting for my moment of relief to come, while the hearts of my loved ones break as they watch helplessly? If this healing plan doesn't work, that's where I'm headed. Like a slow-motion head-on collision with a train that's going to slowly crush me.

My sweet husband put his arms around me and was sad and afraid with me for a while before gently and tenderly helping me back out of the pit. But not too soon. I needed some time down there before trying to sweep those terrible thoughts back under the rug where they belong.

He asked me if I had something to look to, some thought that I bring to mind to lift my spirits when I find myself in this place.

I told him I was just sharing a scripture (Doctrine & Covenants 123:17) with a friend on facebook earlier that day about trying to "'cheerfully do all things that lie in my power,' then I will 'stand still, with the utmost assurance' that the exact right thing will happen, whatever that may be."

Am I going rely on what I've been taught my whole life or not? Am I going to take the advice I would give to someone else? Am I going to trust our Savior's promise that all things work together for good? Why wouldn't I? One of the beautiful purposes the gospel of Jesus Christ is on the Earth is to bring us peace through our trials. The Savior invites us to cheerfully do all things that lie in our power, then leave the rest to Him. Do I trust Him enough to do this? Yes, I think I do. I'm sure I do. I believe the words in Romans 8 which promise us, "...that all things work together for good to them that love God..." I love God. And I know He loves me. Parents love their children.

With these thoughts and deep questions, asking myself what I really believe, with the loving pull of my husband, and with the Savior's promises, I found myself back outside of the pit, walking away from it. I know the pit is lurking close by, and I will probably find myself in there again. But for now, I'll take the sunlight.

Illustration by Vecteezy.com