Crying, 1,000 Cranes, Crying, Castor Oil, Crying, Chiropractor

It's been a few days, eh? I've been very busy. Busy crying. Why? No idea. It started Sunday night and continued on and off through Wednesday morning. 

 

SUNDAY

I did better at church this week. I sang some of each of the three hymns. Even though I mostly rested my head either on Michael or on the back of the pew in front of us with a little pillow, I also sat up a few times like a regular person. I brought the new cane-chair. Never needed to open it to sit on, but it was nice for a little extra steadiness while walking. Both hours of church were excellent. Later, a friend brought over the veggies I had brought to her at church. She had them all cleaned and cut, ready for juicing. 

 

Sunday night at bedtime I began to feel emotional and started crying with doubt and wondering if I'm doing enough for my health. Michael was reassuring.

 

MONDAY

Monday morning I still felt emotional on our morning walk, so when we got home I told Michael I was going to have a little cry sesh while he was in the shower. I finished crying out most of the leftovers from the night before. While crying in bed and pushing out as much emotion as I could, I prayed to know if I'm doing enough for my health or if I should do more. There are a few things I haven't tried yet, but I wanted to wait on those Plan B items until after the follow-up scan on May 21. What came to mind was: add liver packs (putting castor oil on a cloth and wear it against your lower-right abdomen for an hour daily, we had already been talking about it), start taking the latest 3-4 supplements my sister Patty sent me, and lastly, tighten up my eating/fasting windows. My daily eating window should be 11 hours or less, and the not-eating window should be 13 hours or more. This is one method of intermittent fasting. I started all three things that day.

 

Later, Breanne came over and the three of us got laughing so hard about some beautiful orchids I have, but that I'm not going to care for them once the blossoms fall off and the sticks are bare. Too much work for the payoff. A girl's got to know her limitations. People tell me to watch funny shows, because laughter is good for us, but honestly, we think we're much funnier than the comedy shows. Breanne has arranged to reduce her work hours from full time to part time to spend more time with us. That's our Wonder Girl. (And we appreciate her husband, Alex, supporting her in this.)

 

TUESDAY

We went on our first walk of the day. I didn't bring my walking sticks, I'll be fine! We were having a conversation about our cars that normally would have been very matter of fact as we talked things through. Apparently there was one molecule of frustration in me as we were talking things out. Then I had to hold on to Michael's arm. Then I started feeling very anxious about us going to have dinner at the home of an acquaintance of Michael's this Friday. The food was worked out, we'd bring our own salads. But I was very concerned about where I would sit. Where will I rest my head? Will we eat on the couch? How long can I sit at the table before putting my head down on a pillow? I couldn't make it to the turn-around point of our walk. I was not going to make the whole .7 of a mile route. Michael very intuitively asked if it was the conversation making me feel less able, not the walk itself. I think it was. Dang it. We came home. My tears and I climbed into bed and Michael made our next batch of juice (the juicing is done about every three days). The tears came and went in waves. Partway through juicing he came in and tenderly rubbed me all over to calm me. He's so patient and so giving. I know his back isn't feeling great, but he stood there doing this for a long time. He applied frankincense oil to my T4 and T12 since I can't reach those. This is good to use for cancer. Breanne came for a visit. The three of us were quietly together for a while. Then Michael went back to finish the juicing and Breanne asked if I'd like her to read to me. Yes. She read several pages of an excellent book my boss sent me a few weeks ago called "Kitchen Table Wisdom." Then it was time for her to head home to Ukiah again (2.5 hours away). 

 

Somewhere in here I told Michael, "I don't know if I can do this anymore." I didn't know exactly what that meant, but those words came out. I'm pretty sure he was trying to hold back his own tears when he finally replied, "It's okay to say you don't know if you can do it anymore. But it's not okay to give up."

 

In the late afternoon, M and I went on our next walk. How was I feeling AGAIN? You guessed it, emotional. We always start our walks heading toward the train station which is two blocks from us. There was a high probably we'd run into our son walking home from the train station on his way home from work. Sure enough, we saw him at a distance. I didn't want him to see my tears (why did I forget my sunglasses, darn it!), didn't want to have to explain anything or have him try to comfort me. He greeted us and asked how we were. I couldn't talk. Michael told him I was feeling emotional. He responded perfectly. He said, "Well that gives me an excuse to hug my mother." Then he walked with us and they talked. I couldn't say anything without bursting into tears, so I was quiet. We watched a few episodes of a cute show Breanne introduced us to called Resident Alien.

 

I've learned over time that I don't generally cry from sadness or disappointment or even feeling the Spirit. I usually only have tears from frustration. Lately though, there's another culprit. Certain types of physical discomfort. My lump site had been making a pretty good pinching sensation over and over and OVER the past 48 hours. No bother, big deal. But a super-mild ache in my spine makes me teary. Haven't figured that out yet. My only guess is that the lump site is a known, I can feel it with my fingers, it can't do any major damage there. But whatever is going on in the spine is an unknown. I can't palpate it to see if the size is changing, I don't know what it's doing to my vertebrae or if it is spreading, and I do know that growth of the bad cells in the spine could have catastrophic results. Maybe I did just figure this one out.

 

WEDNESDAY

I felt more neutral this morning. My husband looks at me often when I'm emotionally unstable, to get a reading, to know if he needs to assist me. I got on my computer on the couch to get some work done. I turned on some soothing Diana Krall to listen to. It's amazing how music can change your mood. A friend texted, she wanted to bring something over. At the appointed time I saw her and another friend walking to our front door. One of them was holding a large cardboard box. The other was holding up something that was coming out of the box. What is that, a box of antlers? I wasn't making it out. I opened the door, and there stood two friends. They had brought a hanging of 1,000 cranes. ONE THOUSAND folded origami cranes. The leader of this enormous project told me 1000 cranes has become a symbol of hope and healing during challenging times. The cranes were to also remind me of my flock. My flock that loves and cares about me. Unbelievable. It is so big that if you hold it up to the ceiling, it is still bunched up on the floor. 25 strings of 40 cranes each. Good thing I only had about four tears left in my head so I didn't have to bawl about this. They listed the other ladies who helped create this masterpiece, and surely some of their high school age children helped. They didn't want this to be overwhelming so I could choose to just hang a few cranes, or do whatever I wanted with this. The hanging needs its own bedroom but we don't have a spare in our apartment, but we will definitely find a place for the cranes. 

 

Later hubby went to lunch with a friend and I got making my next giant salad. And what do you know, but I found a few more tears. But this was my last cry for this stretch. Sheesh, enough already. I don't even know why I'm crying most of the time! I'm not depressed, I'm not in pain, it just comes! Crying is a new experience for me, and honestly, I don't love it. Still, I will take all the feels as they come. I felt more stable as day went on. 

 

THURSDAY

Today I went back to the chiropractor. It's been two weeks since the most emotional day of my life. I was slightly concerned about how today would go. Then I FINALLY realized, when I went to my chiropractor two weeks ago, it was the first day after my 3-day fast. No wonder I was feeling so weak and compromised! Doy! The visit was great. He worked around my T4 and T12 and carefully finessed me. He's a master. A lot more laughing and joking this time. Later I couldn't quite finish making today's giant salad without overdoing it, so Michael finished it up and brought it to me on the couch. It almost crushed me to death, but I made it out alive. It was a good day, did great on my walking, with walking sticks. Back to my old self for now.

 

Thanks for listening.