Calming Down and Looking at the Ultrasound in a Different Way, Crossed Two Lines

TLDR: I feel better and am swinging back to optimistic.

I took a long-for-me walk today. Hubby was on a bike ride and I wanted to lose myself on a walk. My spirits lifted as I went. I'm looking at yesterday's ultrasound differently. It was just a check point, right? Just data to help us know it was time to tweak our formula again. A couple of people reminded me that I haven't gone the whole 90 days yet on my Chris Beat Cancer plan and it might still need a little more time to kick in. I had felt a sense of urgency after the ultrasound, though, feeling like things were speeding up and getting away from me. For instance, I'm noticing that the lump is pushing up on my skin, changing the topography slightly, and I've been feeling more "activity" or sensations up and down my spine today and yesterday, and not just in the T4 and T12 areas. I can also feel activity under my arm where the new lymph nodes are. Kind of little pinching sensations, like there are new, uninvited cells pushing other cells out of the way to make room for themselves. Pushy. Also, some activity in my upper arm. These symptoms plus the ultrasound results caused that sense of urgency. Taking a deep breath here and slowing down…*inhale, hold hold hold, exhale*… yesterday was not a live or die day, it was just information. Discouraging, but information. In fact, my scan in May is also not the do-or-die day that I've been thinking it will be. It will be another data point. It will hopefully be an improvement over the ultrasound after giving high-dose Fenben 3.5 weeks to work. It might not be enough time to see a difference, but, as hubby says, "neither of us is going to quit until we are forced to."

Last night I had a second dose of Fenbendazole making yesterday's intake 444 mg. Today I had three doses, making the daily total 666 mg. Working my way up from 222 mg per day to 1,000-2,000 as per the new protocol.

We ordered some items today for our augmented approach. In my sense of urgency and before calming back down I crossed a couple of gray lines (to me) I didn't think I would cross. When we ordered the Amazon items, it seemed important to have them delivered ASAP which would be tomorrow, the sabbath, instead of the next day. I try to avoid having things delivered on Sundays, making someone work, even though they'll be on the job with or without my order. Days mattered to me and the Lord would understand. I also had my favorite young man who happens to be a dispatcher/driver at a dispensary, do some research for me on something that was on the protocol sheet, and that is CBD/THC. I know it's legal and I know CBD has been okayed by our last two stake presidents who are both now general authorities to use medicinally, not recreationally. I know it is okay, but I would normally avoid it, just because. But if it aids the Fenben, I wanted to at least do some fact finding. Turns out I don't think I can get the CBD without the THC element which is the part that makes you high. So I'm not going there.

Most of today I planned to get up and get ready for church tomorrow but was pretty sure I'd feel too emotional to go and we'd stay home and Zoom it. I didn't want to accidentally find myself sobbing at church--it's been such a regular thing the past several days. Michael reminded me there's always the car. We could always leave when needed, or at least sit in the car to pull myself together. Feeling much more stable tonight, I think going to church will be fine. Here's hoping. We do love to be among our fellow church members, and, of course, take the sacrament.