The First Time I Was Tempted To Not Be 100% Careful With My Eating
It was an emotional day for me, and there was a little leftover spilling into today. Doing okay now, this evening. I went for a walk yesterday morning--my usual 3/4 of a mile route. Michael almost always walks with me, but this time he was with a friend, so I was alone with my thoughts. With my follow-up scan less than a month away my thoughts are turning to what I will do with each of the three possible outcomes. My desire is that my direction will be clear. Not a TINY bit better or a TINY bit worse. I'm kind of hoping for 25% in one direction or the other. Maybe. I don't know what I want, it's a weird place to be. A miracle would be welcome. And my body is giving me mixed signals. I feel physically good, and able. Yet there's that new, third lump, and the original one doesn't seem to be getting smaller, so I don't know where I am. I know outlook is important so I try to stay positive, but sometimes my optimism wears thin. I've only been on the Fenbendazole for two weeks, so I hope there will be SOME sort of improvement by scan day.
I did some crying and praying on yesterday's morning walk. Same for the afternoon walk, but stopped at the park to watch the Little Leaguers play baseball. It wasn't enough to be a distraction, so my pity party continued as I watched. I was surprised at how far and accurately those young boys could throw. Michael and I returned home about the same time and we talked about it. I told him that for the first time I didn't care about being 100% careful about what I eat. That I was tempted to eat something other than my prescribed salad and veggie juice. In his delicate and caring way he told me it's amazing I've lasted this long (67 days). That he hoped I'd keep going. And if I need his help staying on track, to just let him know. That was all I needed to keep at it.
I already plan to break my diet just once after the scan. I'm thinking about a burrito. Mmmm. If I could avoid meat and dairy it would be a better choice. I think I can get that at Chipotle, since they have a non-meat option I've tried before called sofritas, and I can skip the sour cream and cheese. Might as well make it a bowl to avoid white flour, too. I'm sure it will still be absolutely delectable.
Yesterday's emotions spilled over into today and I was teary (even though I tried not to be) as I had my bi-weekly Zoom meeting with my bosses and gave them an update. They were great and Michael came to sit by me on the couch during that portion. Then we finally got past it and moved on to business. Much less teary this evening, but I may need to schedule a real cry sometime soon. Look out pillow, you're going to be a mess soon!
A Plan C is coming into focus for if we don't like the results. It's nice to have something in our back pocket to fall back on should we need it. It lends us hope. We found a plan for much higher doses of Fenbendazole, along with a couple of supplements, one of them is to help protect the liver, and getting the liver checked monthly is part of the plan. But first we'll see what minimal use of the drug can do. I'm giving it a perfect environment to work in inside this body.
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