Ultrasound Findings Were Worse Than Expected, Stepping Up the Fenben Now

Photo: The dark spot is the cancer. The red is the blood flow.

 

 

**Warning** I needed tissues to write this. You may want one, too.

 

I asked for an ultrasound to measure the lump and the lymph node to see how the sizes compare to the original findings of February 1, 12 weeks ago. After our nightly palpating, we expected the breast lump to be larger, and it was. We expected the under arm lymph node to be smaller, it wasn't, it was larger. We'd also felt a small new guy appear under my arm between the time I made the appointment and the day of the appointment. Turns out it was a cluster of new lymph nodes under the arm. There's more than I can feel with my fingers. The doctor asked if I knew what this meant. "Yes. But I haven't lost hope yet." There was still hope because we had one more idea.

 

I had insisted (nicely) that Michael be in the room to see it all and they allowed it. They didn't want to, they prefer that the spouse/friend/guest only come in after it's all done to talk about the findings, but this time I pressed. Get what you want from your doctors, people. After all the checking and measuring the doctor was on her way out when Michael asked her two questions:

 

Q: Is this about where you'd expect the disease to be at this point in time, or have we slowed it at all with our self-treatment? A: "This is where we'd expect it to be." In other words, if she's correct, it sounds like all my efforts have been for naught. I don't even like writing that, dang it.

 

Q: Laurel feels well physically, is this a sign that things could be going well? A: "No."

 

I got dressed and we left. We told each other we weren't scared. And we weren't yet. We went downstairs to the records department to get a disk with today's imaging on it for if we want to look at something again later. We do that every time we have any type of imaging done. No charge at Kaiser. We talked about the pros and cons of jumping into Plan C now or waiting until after May 21. Is Plan C the next one? I'm losing track. 

 

We came home and were getting ready to have lunch when our son called. He often calls on his lunch hour, because he is our Wonder Boy. That's right, we have a Wonder Daughter and a Wonder Boy. He asked how the ultrasound went. I started telling him about it and that's when I began to unravel. I held it together pretty well on the phone, then Crying Day #4 started. I'm thinking of setting a record of consecutive days of crying. This will be an astounding feat for the girl who normally only cries about once a year, tops. 

 

Michael and I sat together on the couch and when I finally pulled myself together enough to speak, I suggested we look at the PDF of the high-dose Fenbendazole plan. We read everything. Everywhere else tells you to take 222 mg daily. This plan suggests 1,000-2,000 mg daily "to make a huge difference." And I need a huge difference. We also read about the supplements it recommends as part of the plan. We talked again about whether to pull the trigger now or not. In case there's a point of no return where this plan can't catch up to and overtake the bad cells, we decided to jump in now. We started to divide up the list of items we would need to order, to research the best pricing. He went to the desk but I decided to have a little sob first. I've got to get some of these emotions out of me and out of my way so I can function. I walked to the bed to lie down and he came to be with me. He covered me so I wouldn't be cold. It was only a few minutes and two tissues. Three would have been better. We decided to go ahead with the bigger, bolder plan. One of our books of scripture instructs us to study out a decision, and then bring it to God for confirmation. (Doctrine & Covenants 9:7-9) I asked Michael if he could offer our prayer. It was so beautiful and honest and heartfelt and pleading. I love him so much. We're going ahead with this unless we have a strong feeling we shouldn't. But until then, we will move forward. He was going to get back to work but I wanted to close my eyes for a few minutes. I felt so tired. But somehow I didn't need much rest before getting up to get back to it.

 

We made ourselves step away to take a break for dinner and a movie. It is Friday night after all. I took a second dose of Fenben with dinner. Fenben should be taken with food so it doesn't digest too quickly. And it should be taken with fat. So, I mash the 1/3 tsp in with some avo and eat it partway through my meal. I call it my magic guac.

 

As I've said before, if it's my time, it's my time. We know we can be okay with that because God's Great Plan of Happiness gives us the hope and knowledge we need to be okay with it. It may be that I walk through the next door before my dear husband does. It's just that I don't want to suffer a lot getting to the door. And if this fire isn't taken from me and I have to walk all the way through it, there will be suffering. But really, who am I to ask for minimal suffering when so many other suffer so much for so long? Am I greater than they? Jesus Christ suffered more than anyone ever, in the history of any world. Am I greater than He? I've had an easy life. Is it my turn now?

 

I was mad at the walking. And the lemon-garlic. And the salads and juices. I didn't even want to see the wonderful charcoal drawing of my face my dear friend created and I laid it down to not see it for now. I want to throw everything I'm doing out the window and just do this one plan. Not 1,000 things every day. But I'm committed until May 21. I know I will soften later. A good night's sleep will help. Then I will get back to it because this handcart isn't going to pull itself.

 

I honestly thought getting rid of the bad cells was going to be a lot easier. Sustaining a high level of effort, and worry, and feelings is so much, especially when I'm not making any headway. But the battle isn't over yet. I'm still on my feet, but the sword is heavy, even with so many of you praying on my behalf. This is why I'm so thankful that my family, you, and my God are with me, helping to keep my head above water. I thank you for that.

 

 

Doctrine & Covenants 122: 7-9

 

7. And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.

 

8. The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?

 

9. Therefore, hold on thy way…. Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, fear not what [illness] can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever.